Why might LGBTQ people want to come out to friends/relatives?
- end the “hiding game”
- feel closer to those people
- be able to be “whole” around them
- stop wasting energy by hiding all the time
- feel like they have integrity
- to make a statement that “gay is ok”
What might they be afraid of?
- rejection – loss of relationships
- gossip
- harassment/abuse
- being thrown out of family
- being thrown out of house
- being forced to undergo psychotherapy
- having their lover arrested
- loss of financial support
- losing their job
- physical violence
How might LGBTQ people feel about their coming out to someone? Why?
- scared
- relieved
- vulnerable
- wondering how the person will react
- proud
How might someone feel after someone comes out to them?
- scared
- shocked
- disbelieving
- uncomfortable
- not sure what to say
- not sure what to do next
- wondering why the person “came out”
- supportive
- flattered
- honored
- angry
- disgusted
- acceptance
- support
- understanding
- comfort
- closer friendship
- that knowing won’t negatively affect their relationship
- a hug and a smile
- an acknowledgement of their feelings
WHAT DO I DO IF SOMEONE COMES OUT TO ME?
- Listen. Coming out takes a lot of courage and may be the culmination of months or years of personally coming to terms with ones sexuality. The gay person shares this information with a keen understanding of the risks involved. It may also be the case that this person simply wants to include you in their life and share something personal about themselves.
- Remain neutral and non-judgmental. This is especially important when dealing with people who are just coming out. There is no way for the gay person to predict your reaction accurately. You have spent your entire life in a society that teaches you to despise gay people. They’ve come to you because they trust you! The things you say or do can have a very strong impact on this person. This exchange of intimate information should not be seen as an opportunity for you to advocate a particular way of life or discuss the moral ramifications of homosexuality.
- Ask sensitive questions and be willing to learn. Avoid asking questions that imply that there is something wrong with being gay, lesbian, or bisexual (e.g., “What do you think caused your homosexuality?”; “How can you live a normal life?”) Also, avoid asking questions that would have been considered rude within the relationship before this disclosure; this person has the same sensibilities as before. Some good questions to ask are:
- How long have you known you were gay?
- Is there someone special?
- Has it been hard for you carrying this secret?
- Is there some way I can help you?
- Have I ever offended you unknowingly?
- Be supportive. Let them know that you are there to talk with, or just as someone who will listen. For people just coming out, they may not be aware of resources available to them, or they many not feel comfortable approaching other people about the subject. You don’t need to be an expert on the subject to be supportive, just remember to remain open-minded!
- Help the person recognize their own self-oppressive beliefs. (e.g., “I’ll never be able to have kids.”)
- Don’t ignore it. When a person chooses to come out to you, it may be because they are tired of living in secrecy. Being gay and not being able to tell anyone can be very frustrating. Make an effort to take an interest in this part of their life.
- Don’t make their sexuality the extent of your interactions. While it is important to acknowledge and validate a person’s sexual orientation, it is not necessary to let this topic dominate your interactions. It is important to remember that they gay person has not changed. You may be shocked by their revelation, but remember that this is still the same person as before.
- Be honest and open. It’s okay to admit that you don’t know everything, or even anything. It’s also okay to admit being uncomfortable with this subject. Be honest though! Your own discomfort with the subject may come across as discomfort with the person or their sexuality. If someone who has become out to you wants detailed information or is in need of more in-depth counseling, it is perfectly acceptable to suggest that they speak with someone more educated on the subject.
You may well be tempted to break the bond you have with this gay person. Though he or she has not changed, the information now confronts you and your homophobic training.
Actively Participating: Telling oppressive jokes, putting down people from target groups, intentionally avoiding target group members, discriminating against target group members, verbally or physically harassing target group members.
Denying, Ignoring: Enabling oppression by denying that target group members are oppressed. Does not actively oppress, but by denying that oppression exists, colludes with oppression.
Recognizing, No Action: Is aware of oppressive actions by self or others and their harmful effects, but takes no action to stop this behavior. This inaction is the result of fear, lack of information, confusion about what to do. Experiences discomfort at the contradiction between awareness and action.
Recognizing, Action: Is aware of oppression, recognizes oppressive actions of self and others and takes action to stop it.
Educating Self: Taking actions to learn more about oppression and the experiences and heritage of target group members by reading. Attending workshops, seminars, cultural events, participating in discussions, joining organizations or groups that oppose oppression, attending social action and change events.
Educating Others: Moving beyond only educating self to question and dialogue with others too. Rather than only stopping oppressive comments or behaviors, also engaging people in discussion to share why you object to a comment or action.
Supporting, Encouraging: Supporting others who speak out against oppression or who are working to be more inclusive of target group members by backing up others who speak out, forming an allies group, joining a coalition group.
Initiating, Preventing: Working to change individual and institutional actions and policies that discriminate against target group members, planning educational programs or other events, working for passage of legislation that protects target group members from discrimination, being explicit about making sure target group members are full participants in organizations or groups.
Created by P. Griffin and B. Harro, 1982
Ally Contract
I, _________________, hereby have permission to be imperfect with regards to homophobia and heterosexism. It is OK that I do not know all the answers or if, at times, my ignorance and misunderstandings become obvious.
I have permission to ask questions that appear stupid. I have permission to struggle with these issues and be upfront and honest about my feelings.
I am, however, committed to educating myself, and others, about heterosexism and homophobia and to combating it on a personal level.
I am committed to working toward providing a safe, confidential support network for all people regardless of their sexual orientation.
I am committed to treating everyone with the dignity and respect that they are entitled to as human beings.
_______________________________________________
Signed Date
ACTION PLANNING
A primary action I will take, within the next month, to improve understanding of LGBTQ persons and promote equity in my residence hall/office/classroom:
What will help me take this action:
What will hinder me taking this action:
What I will do to strengthen actions that will help confront those that will hinder me:
The outcome of these actions:
To maintain my progress on these actions, I will meet with:
Name:
Frequency:
First Meeting:
ANSWERS TO COMMONLY ASKED ALLY QUESTIONS
How can I tell if someone I know is lesbian, gay, or bisexual?
Ultimately, the only way to tell if a person is lesbian, gay, or bisexual is if that person tells you so. Many lesbians, gay men, and bisexuals don’t fit the common stereotypes, and many people who fit the stereotypes aren’t lesbian, gay, or bisexual. Assumptions on your part can be misguided. The important thing to remember is that it is very likely that someone you interact with on campus is lesbian, gay, or bisexual, and to try to be sensitive to that fact.
What should I do if I think someone is lesbian, gay, or bisexual, but they haven’t told me?
Again, remember that assumptions on your part may be inaccurate. The best approach is to create an atmosphere where that individual can feel comfortable coming out to you. You can do this by making sure that you are open and approachable and by giving indications that you are comfortable with this topic and are supportive of lesbian, gay, and bisexual concerns. If the person is already out to themselves, and they feel that you are worthy of their trust, then they may tell you. If the person seems to be in conflict about something, it may or may not be because of their sexuality. In this case, it is best simply to make sure that they know you are there if they need to talk. Remember, they may not have told you because they don’t want you to know.
How do I make myself more approachable to people who are lesbian, gay, or bisexual?
Demonstrate that you are comfortable with topics related to sexual orientation and that you are supportive of lesbian, gay, and bisexual concerns. Be sensitive to the assumptions you make about people—try not to assume that everyone you interact with is heterosexual, that they have a partner of a different gender, etc. Try to use inclusive language, such as by avoiding the use of pronouns that assume the gender of someone’s partner or friends. Be a role model by confronting others who make homophobic jokes or remarks. Become knowledgeable about lesbian, gay, and bisexual concerns by reading books and attending meetings and activities sponsored by LGBTQ organizations.
What kinds of things might a person who is lesbian, gay, or bisexual go through when coming out?
Because of the difficulty of growing up in a largely homophobic society, people who are lesbian, gay, or bisexual may experience guilt, isolation, depression, suicidal feelings, and low self-esteem. As LGBTQ people become more in touch with their sexual orientation, they may experience any number of these thoughts and feelings to some degree. On the positive side, coming out can be an extremely liberating experience, as lesbians, gay men, and bisexuals learn who they are, gain respect for themselves, and find friends to relate to. Coming out to others can be an anxious process, as the individual worries about rejection, ridicule, and the possible loss of family, friends, and employment. For students, college life is already stress filled, and adding the process of grappling with one’s sexual identity to that mix can be overwhelming.
If someone wants advice on what to tell their roommate, friends, or family about being lesbian, gay, or bisexual, how can I help?
Remember that the individual must decide for themselves when and to whom they will reveal their sexual identity. Don’t tell someone to take any particular action; the person could hold you responsible if it doesn’t go well. Do listen carefully, reflect on the concerns and feelings you hear expressed, and suggest available resources for support. Help the person think through the possible outcomes of coming out. Support the person’s decision even if you don’t agree with it, and ask about the outcomes of any action taken.
What do I do if someone who is lesbian, gay, or bisexual wants to come out in my office, on my residence hall floor, or within the context of any other group I am a part of?
Again, help the individual think through the possible outcomes. Discuss how others might react and how the person might respond to those reactions. Mention the option of coming out to a few people at a time, as opposed to the entire group. If someone has decided to come out, let them know you will support them.
How should I respond to heterosexual friends or coworkers who feel negatively about a person who is lesbian, gay, or bisexual in our office, on our residence hall floor, or in any group I am a part of?
When such problems arise, it is most useful to discuss this with the people involved. Help them to see that they are talking about a person, not just a sexual orientation. Make sure that you have accurate information so that you may appropriately discuss the myths and stereotypes that often underlie such negative reactions. Note the similarities between LGBTQ people and heterosexual people. Be clear with others that while they have a right to their own beliefs and opinions, you will not tolerate anti-gay comments or discrimination. Remember that others may take their cues from you—if you are uncomfortable with, hostile to, or ignore someone who is lesbian, gay, or bisexual, others may follow suit. Conversely, if you are friendly with the person and treat them with respect, others may follow suit.
What should I say to someone who is afraid of contracting HIV/AIDS from LGBTQ people?
HIV is not transmitted through ordinary social contact. It is necessary for everyone to be knowledgeable about HIV and AIDS. If a friend or coworker is afraid and uninformed, use this as an educational opportunity. The Student Wellness Center and the Columbus AIDS Task Force can provide you with pamphlets and other resources containing current and accurate information.
How can I support LGBTQ people without my own sexual orientation becoming an issue?
Be aware that if you speak out about issues related to sexual orientation, some people may take this as an indication of your own sexual orientation. Take time in advance to think through how you might respond to this. How do you feel about your own sexual identity? Are you comfortable with yourself? Regardless of your sexual orientation, a confidence in your own self-image will make you less vulnerable.
How should I respond to rumors that someone is lesbian, gay, or bisexual?
Let others know that the sexual orientation of any individual is irrelevant unless that person wishes to disclose that information. If you can, address any myths or stereotypes that may be fueling such speculation. If a particular person continues to spread rumors, talk to that person individually.
How can I get others to be more open-minded about LGBTQ people?
In brief, be a role model for others by being open and visible in your support. Share your beliefs with others when appropriate. When LGBTQ topics come up, talk about them, don’t simply avoid them. Show that you are comfortable talking about these issues, and comfortable with LGBTQ people. Remember that part of your goal as an ally is to create bridges across differences and to increase understanding. While you may be motivated to share your views with others, be careful of being self-righteous; others can’t learn from you if they are turned off from listening to begin with. Of course, your views are more convincing if they are supported by sound knowledge. Take the time to educate yourself so that you know what you are talking about.
How can I respond when someone tells a homophobic joke?
Many people believe that jokes are harmless and get upset by what they perceive as the “politically correct” attitudes of those who are offended by inappropriate humor. Labeling a belief as “politically correct” is a subtle way of supporting the status quo and resisting change. Most people who tell jokes about an oppressed group have never thought about how those jokes perpetuate stereotypes, or how they teach and reinforce prejudice. Someone who tells jokes about LGBTQ people probably assumes that everyone present is heterosexual, or at least that everyone shares their negative attitudes toward LGBTQ people. However, most people do not tell jokes to purposefully hurt or embarrass others, and will stop if they realize this is the effect. Responding assertively in these situations is difficult, but not responding at all sends a silent message of agreement. No response is the equivalent of condoning the telling of such jokes. It is important to remember that young people, particularly those questioning their own sexual identity, will watch to see who laughs at such jokes, and may internalize the hurtful message. In some instances, the inappropriateness of the joke could be mentioned at the time. In other situations, the person could be taken aside afterward. Try to communicate your concerns about the joke with respect.
How can I respond to homophobic attitudes?
If you disagree with a negative statement someone makes about LGBTQ people, the assertive thing to do is to say so. Again, silence communicates agreement. Remember what your goal is in responding: not to start an argument or foster hostility, but to attempt to increase understanding. Disagreement can be civil and respectful. Share your views without accusing or criticizing. You are simply presenting another way of thinking about the topic. It can be difficult to speak out in support of LGBTQ people. You might be afraid that others will question your sexual orientation, morals, and values, or that you will be ostracized. It is easy to forget that there might be positive effects of your outspokenness as well.
How can I respond to people who object to LGBTQ people for religious reasons?
Usually, there is no way to change the minds of individuals who base their negative beliefs about LGBTQ people on strict religious convictions. However, while respecting their right to believe as they wish, you can share some information with them. It can be useful to point out that identifying as Christian is not necessarily incompatible with being supportive of LGBTQ people. There is a great deal of diversity among the Christian community with regard to beliefs about same-gender sexuality. In addition, there is much disagreement about the Biblical basis for condemning LGBTQ people. Many religious scholars argue that the Biblical passages which are said to refer to same-gender sexuality have been misinterpreted. It is also important to point out that while individuals are entitled to their personal religious beliefs, these opinions should not be used to deny LGBTQ people equal treatment under the law.
Adapted from the Northern
Illinois University
Safe Zone Program
SUGGESTIONS FOR WORKING WITH GAY, LESBIAN, BI-SEXUAL/AFFECTIONATE, TRANSGENDERED, INTERSEXUAL, OR QUESTIONING STUDENTS
- Don’t be surprised when someone comes out to you.
- Respect confidentiality. It is imperative that you can be trusted.
- Be informed. Most of us are products of a homophobic society. It is important that you are aware of the need of gay, lesbian, bi-affectionate, transgender and questioning students.
- Examine your own biases. If you are uncomfortable dealing with the issues and know that you are unable to be open and accepting, you need to refer the student to someone who can be.
- Know when and where to seek help. Know all available resources.
- Maintain a balanced perspective. Sexual thoughts and feelings are a small (but important) part of a person’s self.
- Understand the meaning of “sexual orientation.” Each person’s sexual orientation is natural to that person.
- Deal with feelings first. You can be helpful by just listening, allowing a lesbian, gay, bi-affectionate, transgender or questioning student the opportunity to vent feelings.
- Help, but don’t force. Lesbian, gay, bi-affectionate, transgender and questioning individuals need to move at the pace they feel most comfortable with.
- Be supportive. Share with them that this is an issue that others must deal with too.
- Don’t try to guess who’s gay.
- Challenge bigoted remarks and jokes. This shows your support.
Source: PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays)
